they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
