All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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