I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
