I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
