Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize