i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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