You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
