He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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