She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
