She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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