Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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