We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize