Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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