Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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