Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
