I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
