so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
