Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
