I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
