I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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