So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
