Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It's just like the Real World with babies
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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