Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I understand Curling. That high.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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