just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
