Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
