I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
