Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
