Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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