His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
