Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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