I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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