thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize