where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
