he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
