Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
