Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
