She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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