If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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