its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
