i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
