I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
