I didn't shave. On purpose
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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