someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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