I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
