You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
