Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think I won the penis lottery.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
