now i know why i became what i already was.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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