I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize