guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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