Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
