In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
