At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
