i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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