She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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