Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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