remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
