my mouth tastes like poor choices
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
