i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
