I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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