Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
