im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
