I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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