If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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