I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
